Introspection
by Bluedrake
Summary: Erik thinks about how he feels for his mother. Set in Susan Kay's Phantom.The rating is just to be safe. Completed. Please read and review.
1. part 1

This is based on "Phantom" by Susan Kay. I do not own any of the characters, I make no money out of this, it is purely for entertainment, so please don't sue.  
  
From Erik's point of view.  
  
Mama is sitting on the couch, knitting, and I am watching her. She is not really paying attention to he work. Her eyes are distant, her brows furrowed. She is sad, and it is because of me. She does not want me near her. It upsets her. Once, on my birthday, I begged for a kiss, and she collapsed in tears. I am not loved, and I am not allowed to love.  
  
  
  
I said I hated her, but I did not really mean it. I did not mean to make her cry. I hate when she cries, when she runs from me, when she recoils from me. I want to make her happy, make her smile. I go back to my room in the attic.  
  
  
  
The little shepherd boy is standing near the window. I took him for the mantel of the fireplace to put him here. He is going to help me make my mother happy again. I hide behind the door and start to sing a low, compelling song. I am skilled enough with ventriloquism now to project my voice at a good distance. I hear soft footsteps drawing nearer, she is coming.  
  
  
  
I let my voice float up the stairs, up to the attic. Mama enters the room. I direct my voice to the shepherd boy now. She is smiling at the little shepherd boy. My voice and his looks made that smile shine on her lips.  
  
  
  
She is so beautiful when she smiles. She reaches out and takes him in her arms gently, with love. My voice nearly brakes. She never held me like that, and she never will. It's me I want her to hold like that, ME!  
  
  
  
I walk to her side discreetly. She does not notice my presence immediately, but after a moment she turns around and sees me. I keep singing, so as not to break the spell. Something flashes in her eyes, and she slowly rises her hand.  
  
  
  
I do not stop singing, even though I know that she has seen through the illusion. She slaps me hard across the face. She wants nothing from me. My presence, my voice, my love are abhorrent to her. The only way I have to love her and be loved is to borrow the face of another, to wear yet another mask. 


	2. part 2

Disclaimer : I do not own any of these characters. They belong to Gaston Leroux and Susan Kay. I am making no money out of this. This is set in Kay's "Phantom".  
  
  
  
I continued to deceive my mother with my voice, but I was careful not to go near her. I would watch her as she placed the little shepherd boy in the cradle, covering him with a care and tenderness she would never show me. My heart gave painful twists each time she bent down and kissed the wooden figure.  
  
  
  
Mademoiselle Perrault is starting to notice something is not quite right with mama. I shall have to take care of that. I don't want mama to be locked away in that terrible place for mad people. Tonight she is asking questions, telling mama to see a doctor. I have to make her go now.  
  
  
  
I step between her and mama, and tell her in my coldest voice to go and not come back. Mama doesn't want anyone around her now, not mademoiselle Perrault, not doctor Barry, not anyone else.  
  
  
  
Now there is nothing to stand between me and mama. I ask if I should play for her. She says yes. I sit at the piano and lose myself in the music. Mama is on the couch. She is smiling at me. At me! ME! Not at the little shepherd boy. I have never played like this before. I think I am…happy. It is the first time I feel that way. I cannot stop playing, it is too precious a moment to end.  
  
  
  
Something pushes against my hand and forces it way from the keys. I look down to see Sasha begging for my attention. For some reason I feel betrayed. Sasha has always been my friend, but now she is disturbing my precious moment. I shake my head, I have gone in some sort of trance for a minute. I resume my playing, entirely lost in heavenly bliss.  
  
  
  
I finish my song, and look around. Mama is still on the couch, a far away look in her eyes. Sasha is nowhere to be seen. I ask mama where Sasha is, and she says I brought her outside because she was bothering me. I tell her she shouldn't not put her outside in such cold weather. I go to the door to bring her back in, when I hear shouts and screams, and Sasha's whimpers from outside. 


	3. part 3

Disclaimer : I don't own any of these characters. They are the property of Gaston Leroux and Susan Kay. I am only borrowing them for a while.  
  
  
  
I feel cold suddenly. I stand as still as a statue. My brain is unable to work properly. There are people outside, they are shouting crude words, throwing stones in the windows, and they are hurting Sasha!  
  
  
  
I grad the door and wrench it open. Sasha collapses at my feet in one last agonizing howl. I barely hear the crowd chanting "there is the monster". I was only aware of my beloved Sasha lying at my feet, dead. I feel a burning in my chest. My blood is boiling, I can't think clearly. The only thought in my head is to kill! Kill!  
  
I run to the crowd screaming. I would kill all of them! All! They killed my Sasha. My poor, poor Sasha who had done nothing to them. I do not even notice the knife that pierces my chest. Pain, grief, they are all consumed by an uncontrollable urge to kill.  
  
  
  
The crowd scatters, and I stumble back to the door, where Sasha lies with her lovely coat stained with blood. I pick her up and bring her to the backyard. Mama tries to stop me, but I push her away. I will bury Sasha and sing her a requiem. That is the least I can do for her.  
  
  
  
The soil is hard, and I struggle with the shovel. I notice the blood on my shirt, and I know it is not only Sasha's blood. The grave is deep enough now. I lay Sasha in the hole carefully, and cover her with the earth. I plant a cross in the middle, and start to sing the requiem. Mama is besides me. She is crying.  
  
  
  
I think I fainted then, for I open my eyes to find me lying on the couch, and a man tending to my wound. I narrow my eyes. I ask why he is helping. I feel weak. He gives me laudanum. I don't swallow all of it, I let some of it drip out of my mouth while he talked to my mother.  
  
  
  
I hear him say that he loves her, that he wants to take her way from the "monstrous burden". I sob. I know she will go with him. Ever since I was born there was nothing she wanted more than to be rid of me. I fall asleep.  
  
  
  
I wake up early in the morning, the sun is not up yet. I look around. Someone has put a blanket on me. The doctor, most likely. I stand up and look around. The shepherd boy is on the mantel of the chimney, it's rightful place. He has lost his power over mama too. I will be sent to an asylum, and she will forget me. I walk to the chimney and take the statue. I take it to my room in the attic. If I am to disappear, so is he.  
  
  
  
I cut off each limb carefully, and place them with my mirrors. I have to leave some message before going, so mama will not worry about my ever coming back. I look one last time around my room. There is nothing here but painful memories. I turn away and run to the door and out of the house.  
  
  
  
I run into the woods. I don't know where I am going, but I know I will never come back to Bosherville. Mama would forget me, and I would forget her. No more pain, no more grief, nothing.  
  
  
  
The End.  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's note : Erik's feelings for his mother always intrigued me. I am sure he did not really hate her, just as she did not really hate him. 


End file.
